brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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