I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
