new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
what the fuck happened to the tacos
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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