We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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