i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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