ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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