my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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