I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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