we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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