party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize