She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
