So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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