I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
false alarm. still invincible.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
