im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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