are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
