Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
