I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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