i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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