there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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