He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
