He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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