Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
