What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
