you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
