you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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