he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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