Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
