i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Randomize
