He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
