Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
