I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
