I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
