Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
