its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
