DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
