Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
pray to the hookup gods
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
