Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
