I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
3 2 1 whiskey
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
