I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
