I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
