Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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