Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Randomize
