I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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