so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
