Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Randomize
