Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
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