So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
