a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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