this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
