allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
