Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Randomize
