Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Randomize
