you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize