i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
They took my balls.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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