I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
