I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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