peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
