My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Come share oat with me in your robe
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Couch. On fire.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
