found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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