The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
