Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
