Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Is it because I queefed?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
