Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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